I've gotten pretty sentimental lately. Which is very unlike me. I feel deeply and strongly, but the definition never quite fit: "feelings of tenderness, sadness, or nostalgia in an exaggerated and self-indulgent way." Until recently. I've found myself recollecting fondly memories from my dating, engagement, and wedding, and Josh and I find ourselves thinking and talking about how much we really do like each other and enjoy hanging out. Which is really cool. Since we have spent TONS of time together, both working in our 730 sq foot apartment all day every day. If we didn't like each other, I don't see how this would have worked. Last night, I got the opportunity to be sentimental about how good Josh and I really are together.
It rained all day yesterday. Cold, hard, windy rain. What I like to call "Syracuse Rain", since that is how it rained all the time in Syracuse. (I hate it - it gives me a headache, but Josh likes it - because its like someone "turned the lights down"). We had dinner plans with a dear friend, who lived about 35 minutes away - a trip that involves the Beltway. I have no real issues with the Beltway - sure, at first it was confusing - inner loop, outer loop, 4-6 lanes of DC craziness, but its manageable. After dinner, it was dark, raining hard, and because of construction, a bit hard to see where to go. We were coming up on what I thought was our entrance to the Beltway, so I directed Josh to enter. He obliged, only to realize a second too late that I WAS WRONG. So very wrong. But, he didn't yell, grumble, or even try to make me feel bad. He laughed. So I laughed. Because we have a history of this. It's something I do - think I know where I'm going only to discover that I HAVE NO IDEA. And, after being married for almost 4 years, Josh knows that he can't trust my directions. So we don't. Doesn't mean that I don't *try* to give out bad information, but Josh knows not to take it. And its ok. I'm wrong 99% of the time, but he doesn't make me feel bad about it. And I get sentimental about how awesome he is and about how good we are together, and good stuff like that.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I hate politics
I seriously do. It might not seem that way since I have a opinion about EVERYTHING, but I hate politics, most politicians, and most decidedly, presidential election years.
I'm sure we are all aware that Hilary Rosen went on CNN last night and said, speaking about Mitt Romney's wife, Ann: "Guess what? His wife has actually never worked a day in her life. She's never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of the women in this country are facing." And then every news outlet and even my facebook feed has stories of indigent moms upset that the democrats think that raising kids isn't work. I get it. No one has to tell me about the "invisible work" that women do. My mom was a stay at home mom, who raised me and my 2 sisters. Most of my friends are stay at home moms and I know that what they do is not easy. I could probably even calculate the GDP figuring in women's unpaid labor in the home. I could write 20 page papers about the glass ceiling, and even tell you what the pay gap in 2009 was (77 cents for each dollar made by men). But that isn't what was said. One reason I hate politics, has to do with the way we frame conversations. Its "us-against-them", pulling things out of context to make the other side look bad. The real story, as far as I can tell, isn't that a democrat went on CNN and said that Ann Romney doesn't work. Granted, she could have made her point A LOT better, but what I believe Rosen was saying is this: Romney, in the past few days, has decided to attack Obama on the economy. Romney also has an issue with women voters because they are more likely to vote for Obama than for him, something he will need to fix if he is to beat Obama. So he says, falsely, that the economy, under Obama, 92% of the people who lost jobs were women. FALSE. Then, in interviews, he is asked about the gender gap, he says his wife should answer that question, while also saying that while his wife is on the campaign trail, she regularly reports back to him that women are concerned about he economy. So, Romney is making his wife part of the discussion, not Hilary Rosen. And the bottom line? Rosen wasn't saying that raising kids isn't work. What she was saying, although badly, is that Ann Romney is out of touch with most of America. Yes she has had her struggles, but money or unemployment aren't one of them. And in Rosen's own words: "Spare me the faux anger from the right who view the issue of women's rights and advancement as a way to score political points. When it comes to supporting policies that would actually help women, their silence has been deafening. I don't need lectures from the RNC on supporting women and fighting to increase opportunities for women; I've been doing it my whole career. If they want to attack me and distract the public's attention away from their nominee's woeful record, it just demonstrates how much they just don't get it."
And that is what most of politics is. Distraction and attacks. While I try to educate myself about a number of issues, I almost always never engage in debate with people who hold different views. Because the unfortunate reality of the situation is that most people already have their minds made up and debate or discuss only to try and change your mind or show you how wrong you are. How does that do us any good? My husband and I are as opposite as politically as can be. He is a libertarian and I'm a progressive liberal. We agree about very few things. But we discuss politics constantly. We discuss with the intent to understand each other's point of view keeping in mind the possibility that we could each be wrong. And through discussion, we have moved closer to the middle on some issues. Wish we could do that on a national scale. More good would be done, with less attacks and posturing.
I'm sure we are all aware that Hilary Rosen went on CNN last night and said, speaking about Mitt Romney's wife, Ann: "Guess what? His wife has actually never worked a day in her life. She's never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of the women in this country are facing." And then every news outlet and even my facebook feed has stories of indigent moms upset that the democrats think that raising kids isn't work. I get it. No one has to tell me about the "invisible work" that women do. My mom was a stay at home mom, who raised me and my 2 sisters. Most of my friends are stay at home moms and I know that what they do is not easy. I could probably even calculate the GDP figuring in women's unpaid labor in the home. I could write 20 page papers about the glass ceiling, and even tell you what the pay gap in 2009 was (77 cents for each dollar made by men). But that isn't what was said. One reason I hate politics, has to do with the way we frame conversations. Its "us-against-them", pulling things out of context to make the other side look bad. The real story, as far as I can tell, isn't that a democrat went on CNN and said that Ann Romney doesn't work. Granted, she could have made her point A LOT better, but what I believe Rosen was saying is this: Romney, in the past few days, has decided to attack Obama on the economy. Romney also has an issue with women voters because they are more likely to vote for Obama than for him, something he will need to fix if he is to beat Obama. So he says, falsely, that the economy, under Obama, 92% of the people who lost jobs were women. FALSE. Then, in interviews, he is asked about the gender gap, he says his wife should answer that question, while also saying that while his wife is on the campaign trail, she regularly reports back to him that women are concerned about he economy. So, Romney is making his wife part of the discussion, not Hilary Rosen. And the bottom line? Rosen wasn't saying that raising kids isn't work. What she was saying, although badly, is that Ann Romney is out of touch with most of America. Yes she has had her struggles, but money or unemployment aren't one of them. And in Rosen's own words: "Spare me the faux anger from the right who view the issue of women's rights and advancement as a way to score political points. When it comes to supporting policies that would actually help women, their silence has been deafening. I don't need lectures from the RNC on supporting women and fighting to increase opportunities for women; I've been doing it my whole career. If they want to attack me and distract the public's attention away from their nominee's woeful record, it just demonstrates how much they just don't get it."
And that is what most of politics is. Distraction and attacks. While I try to educate myself about a number of issues, I almost always never engage in debate with people who hold different views. Because the unfortunate reality of the situation is that most people already have their minds made up and debate or discuss only to try and change your mind or show you how wrong you are. How does that do us any good? My husband and I are as opposite as politically as can be. He is a libertarian and I'm a progressive liberal. We agree about very few things. But we discuss politics constantly. We discuss with the intent to understand each other's point of view keeping in mind the possibility that we could each be wrong. And through discussion, we have moved closer to the middle on some issues. Wish we could do that on a national scale. More good would be done, with less attacks and posturing.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Something awesome
Everyone should check out this website: http://www.girleffect.org/
Probably one of my favorite organizations out there. The girl effect is defined as "the unique potential of 600 million adolescent girls to end poverty for themselves and the world."
How cool is that??
If you want to know more, start with this fact sheet.
But check out the rest of their website and follow them on Facebook.
Because they really are that great.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Interviews
Interviewing for a job has to be the most FRUSTRATING thing on the planet. I'm am so sick of it! It helps that I'm not in dire need of a job right now (thank goodness! so lucky), but the time it takes to apply for a job, write a cover letter, gathering supporting docs and then wait for a response is a drain. 97% of the applications I've filled out result in NO RESPONSE what so ever. I get it, people are busy, have to do more with less, but would a response kill you? Then, when I finally do get interviews, I think they go SOO well, and leave with promises that I'll hear in a few weeks, only to wait MONTHS for a rejection. I get it, I'm not the most qualified person out there. My Master's in Sociology and Women's Studies are not disciplines much in demand these days. But gosh, I'm capable! I wouldn't apply for the job if I wasn't. Give me a chance!!
So today, I'm off to another interview. My first second interview actually. For a job that would be fun, with a commute that would not kill me. I'm trying to be hopeful, but my record for success is not great. But none the less, I've put on my big-girl pants, fancy scarf, killer heals, I am dressed to impress. Wish me luck! If I don't get this job, I think I quit :)
So today, I'm off to another interview. My first second interview actually. For a job that would be fun, with a commute that would not kill me. I'm trying to be hopeful, but my record for success is not great. But none the less, I've put on my big-girl pants, fancy scarf, killer heals, I am dressed to impress. Wish me luck! If I don't get this job, I think I quit :)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Angst
Today I am filled with angst. I don't know why, I just have some issues that I'm thinking about, and apparently, they are turning me into a "battle-quat" (what my husband calls me when I get like this). I don't think I'm ready to explore my issues/thoughts/questions here, but I did some across something awesome today, that made me feel a bit better. I'm pulling this from here.
Ashley Judd Slaps Media in the Face for Speculation Over Her ‘Puffy’ Appearance
By Ashley Judd
The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.
As an actor and woman who, at times, avails herself of the media, I am painfully aware of the conversation about women’s bodies, and it frequently migrates to my own body. I know this, even though my personal practice is to ignore what is written about me. I do not, for example, read interviews I do with news outlets. I hold that it is none of my business what people think of me. I arrived at this belief after first, when I began working as an actor 18 years ago, reading everything. I evolved into selecting only the “good” pieces to read. Over time, I matured into the understanding that good and bad are equally fanciful interpretations. I do not want to give my power, my self-esteem, or my autonomy, to any person, place, or thing outside myself. I thus abstain from all media about myself. The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, my personal integrity, and my relationship with my Creator. Of course, it’s wonderful to be held in esteem and fond regard by family, friends, and community, but a central part of my spiritual practice is letting go of otheration. And casting one’s lot with the public is dangerous and self-destructive, and I value myself too much to do that.
However, the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about.
A brief analysis demonstrates that the following “conclusions” were all made on the exact same day, March 20, about the exact same woman (me), looking the exact same way, based on the exact same television appearance. The following examples are real, and come from a variety of (so-called!) legitimate news outlets (such as HuffPo, MSNBC, etc.), tabloid press, and social media:
One: When I am sick for more than a month and on medication (multiple rounds of steroids), the accusation is that because my face looks puffy, I have “clearly had work done,” with otherwise credible reporters with great bravo “identifying” precisely the procedures I allegedly have had done.
Two: When my skin is nearly flawless, and at age 43, I do not yet have visible wrinkles that can be seen on television, I have had “work done,” with media outlets bolstered by consulting with plastic surgeons I have never met who “conclude” what procedures I have “clearly” had. (Notice that this is a “back-handed compliment,” too—I look so good! It simply cannot possibly be real!)
Three: When my 2012 face looks different than it did when I filmed Double Jeopardy in 1998, I am accused of having “messed up” my face (polite language here, the F word is being used more often), with a passionate lament that “Ashley has lost her familiar beauty audiences loved her for.”
Four: When I have gained weight, going from my usual size two/four to a six/eight after a lazy six months of not exercising, and that weight gain shows in my face and arms, I am a “cow” and a “pig” and I “better watch out” because my husband “is looking for his second wife.” (Did you catch how this one engenders competition and fear between women? How it also suggests that my husband values me based only on my physical appearance? Classic sexism. We won’t even address how extraordinary it is that a size eight would be heckled as “fat.”)
That the conversation about my face was initially promulgated largely by women is a sad and disturbing fact.
Five: In perhaps the coup de grace, when I am acting in a dramatic scene in Missing—the plot stating I am emotionally distressed and have been awake and on the run for days—viewers remarks ranged from “What the f--k did she do to her face?” to cautionary gloating, “Ladies, look at the work!” Footage from “Missing” obviously dates prior to March, and the remarks about how I look while playing a character powerfully illustrate the contagious and vicious nature of the conversation. The accusations and lies, introduced to the public, now apply to me as a woman across space and time; to me as any woman and to me as every woman.
That women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient. Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women.
A case in point is that this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. (That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.)
News outlets with whom I do serious work, such as publishing op-eds about preventing HIV, empowering poor youth worldwide, and conflict mineral mining in Democratic Republic of Congo, all ran this “story” without checking with my office first for verification, or offering me the dignity of the opportunity to comment. It’s an indictment of them that they would even consider the content printable, and that they, too, without using time-honored journalistic standards, would perpetuate with un-edifying delight such blatantly gendered, ageist, and mean-spirited content.
I hope the sharing of my thoughts can generate a new conversation: Why was a puffy face cause for such a conversation in the first place? How, and why, did people participate? If not in the conversation about me, in parallel ones about women in your sphere? What is the gloating about? What is the condemnation about? What is the self-righteous alleged “all knowing” stance of the media about? How does this symbolize constraints on girls and women, and encroach on our right to be simply as we are, at any given moment? How can we as individuals in our private lives make adjustments that support us in shedding unconscious actions, internalized beliefs, and fears about our worthiness, that perpetuate such meanness? What can we do as families, as groups of friends? Is what girls and women can do different from what boys and men can do? What does this have to do with how women are treated in the workplace?
I ask especially how we can leverage strong female-to-female alliances to confront and change that there is no winning here as women. It doesn’t actually matter if we are aging naturally, or resorting to surgical assistance. We experience brutal criticism. The dialogue is constructed so that our bodies are a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others—and in my case, to the actual public. (I am also aware that inevitably some will comment that because I am a creative person, I have abdicated my right to a distinction between my public and private selves, an additional, albeit related, track of highly distorted thinking that will have to be addressed at another time).
If this conversation about me is going to be had, I will do my part to insist that it is a feminist one, because it has been misogynistic from the start. Who makes the fantastic leap from being sick, or gaining some weight over the winter, to a conclusion of plastic surgery? Our culture, that’s who. The insanity has to stop, because as focused on me as it appears to have been, it is about all girls and women. In fact, it’s about boys and men, too, who are equally objectified and ridiculed, according to heteronormative definitions of masculinity that deny the full and dynamic range of their personhood. It affects each and every one of us, in multiple and nefarious ways: our self-image, how we show up in our relationships and at work, our sense of our worth, value, and potential as human beings. Join in—and help change—the Conversation.
Ashley Judd Slaps Media in the Face for Speculation Over Her ‘Puffy’ Appearance
By Ashley Judd
The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.
As an actor and woman who, at times, avails herself of the media, I am painfully aware of the conversation about women’s bodies, and it frequently migrates to my own body. I know this, even though my personal practice is to ignore what is written about me. I do not, for example, read interviews I do with news outlets. I hold that it is none of my business what people think of me. I arrived at this belief after first, when I began working as an actor 18 years ago, reading everything. I evolved into selecting only the “good” pieces to read. Over time, I matured into the understanding that good and bad are equally fanciful interpretations. I do not want to give my power, my self-esteem, or my autonomy, to any person, place, or thing outside myself. I thus abstain from all media about myself. The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, my personal integrity, and my relationship with my Creator. Of course, it’s wonderful to be held in esteem and fond regard by family, friends, and community, but a central part of my spiritual practice is letting go of otheration. And casting one’s lot with the public is dangerous and self-destructive, and I value myself too much to do that.
However, the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about.
A brief analysis demonstrates that the following “conclusions” were all made on the exact same day, March 20, about the exact same woman (me), looking the exact same way, based on the exact same television appearance. The following examples are real, and come from a variety of (so-called!) legitimate news outlets (such as HuffPo, MSNBC, etc.), tabloid press, and social media:
One: When I am sick for more than a month and on medication (multiple rounds of steroids), the accusation is that because my face looks puffy, I have “clearly had work done,” with otherwise credible reporters with great bravo “identifying” precisely the procedures I allegedly have had done.
Two: When my skin is nearly flawless, and at age 43, I do not yet have visible wrinkles that can be seen on television, I have had “work done,” with media outlets bolstered by consulting with plastic surgeons I have never met who “conclude” what procedures I have “clearly” had. (Notice that this is a “back-handed compliment,” too—I look so good! It simply cannot possibly be real!)
Three: When my 2012 face looks different than it did when I filmed Double Jeopardy in 1998, I am accused of having “messed up” my face (polite language here, the F word is being used more often), with a passionate lament that “Ashley has lost her familiar beauty audiences loved her for.”
Four: When I have gained weight, going from my usual size two/four to a six/eight after a lazy six months of not exercising, and that weight gain shows in my face and arms, I am a “cow” and a “pig” and I “better watch out” because my husband “is looking for his second wife.” (Did you catch how this one engenders competition and fear between women? How it also suggests that my husband values me based only on my physical appearance? Classic sexism. We won’t even address how extraordinary it is that a size eight would be heckled as “fat.”)
That the conversation about my face was initially promulgated largely by women is a sad and disturbing fact.
Five: In perhaps the coup de grace, when I am acting in a dramatic scene in Missing—the plot stating I am emotionally distressed and have been awake and on the run for days—viewers remarks ranged from “What the f--k did she do to her face?” to cautionary gloating, “Ladies, look at the work!” Footage from “Missing” obviously dates prior to March, and the remarks about how I look while playing a character powerfully illustrate the contagious and vicious nature of the conversation. The accusations and lies, introduced to the public, now apply to me as a woman across space and time; to me as any woman and to me as every woman.
That women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient. Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women.
A case in point is that this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. (That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.)
News outlets with whom I do serious work, such as publishing op-eds about preventing HIV, empowering poor youth worldwide, and conflict mineral mining in Democratic Republic of Congo, all ran this “story” without checking with my office first for verification, or offering me the dignity of the opportunity to comment. It’s an indictment of them that they would even consider the content printable, and that they, too, without using time-honored journalistic standards, would perpetuate with un-edifying delight such blatantly gendered, ageist, and mean-spirited content.
I hope the sharing of my thoughts can generate a new conversation: Why was a puffy face cause for such a conversation in the first place? How, and why, did people participate? If not in the conversation about me, in parallel ones about women in your sphere? What is the gloating about? What is the condemnation about? What is the self-righteous alleged “all knowing” stance of the media about? How does this symbolize constraints on girls and women, and encroach on our right to be simply as we are, at any given moment? How can we as individuals in our private lives make adjustments that support us in shedding unconscious actions, internalized beliefs, and fears about our worthiness, that perpetuate such meanness? What can we do as families, as groups of friends? Is what girls and women can do different from what boys and men can do? What does this have to do with how women are treated in the workplace?
I ask especially how we can leverage strong female-to-female alliances to confront and change that there is no winning here as women. It doesn’t actually matter if we are aging naturally, or resorting to surgical assistance. We experience brutal criticism. The dialogue is constructed so that our bodies are a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others—and in my case, to the actual public. (I am also aware that inevitably some will comment that because I am a creative person, I have abdicated my right to a distinction between my public and private selves, an additional, albeit related, track of highly distorted thinking that will have to be addressed at another time).
If this conversation about me is going to be had, I will do my part to insist that it is a feminist one, because it has been misogynistic from the start. Who makes the fantastic leap from being sick, or gaining some weight over the winter, to a conclusion of plastic surgery? Our culture, that’s who. The insanity has to stop, because as focused on me as it appears to have been, it is about all girls and women. In fact, it’s about boys and men, too, who are equally objectified and ridiculed, according to heteronormative definitions of masculinity that deny the full and dynamic range of their personhood. It affects each and every one of us, in multiple and nefarious ways: our self-image, how we show up in our relationships and at work, our sense of our worth, value, and potential as human beings. Join in—and help change—the Conversation.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sick
Apologies for my absence. I've been sick. I HATE being sick. It should be something I'm used to, since I have, as my husband affectionally calls it, a "compromised immune system." He really isn't joking either. All the big events in my life, I can remember an illness associated with them. For example, I defended my thesis proposal in grad school with pneumonia. I spent my engagement and wedding day with mono (which is why Josh planned our wedding and I don't have a single picture from our wedding that is great - I literally could not keep my eyes open). Last year, I made a presentation at a board meeting at work but my head was so blocked I could barely hear. Not fun.
I should be used to being sick, since I'm sick often, but the fact is I'm a big baby. I complain a lot. I lay around, letting messes accumulate around me. I'm not fun to be with. I would be happy sleeping 23 hours a day. So, I'm giving my current illness one final day. I'm going to lay around watching Gossip Girl, sleep, and do nothing. Then, I want to feel better. I have a motorcycle ride to Chipolte that I've been putting off. And I'm going to put makeup on (I haven't wore makeup in days! I miss it!) and do my hair. And I'm going to actually write a decent post (I've written some pretty great ones in my head, doped up on Nyquil).
I should be used to being sick, since I'm sick often, but the fact is I'm a big baby. I complain a lot. I lay around, letting messes accumulate around me. I'm not fun to be with. I would be happy sleeping 23 hours a day. So, I'm giving my current illness one final day. I'm going to lay around watching Gossip Girl, sleep, and do nothing. Then, I want to feel better. I have a motorcycle ride to Chipolte that I've been putting off. And I'm going to put makeup on (I haven't wore makeup in days! I miss it!) and do my hair. And I'm going to actually write a decent post (I've written some pretty great ones in my head, doped up on Nyquil).
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