Something

***WARNING: this post is super long and you might want to pierce your eyes out. ;)i am not claiming to be perfect in my relationships. i just need to be heard*** i was once told by a very wise woman this mantra/phrase: one needs something to: -believe in -love -look forward to/hope for -do isn't this true? i find that my life feels complete when all these things are full. i want to live a full life. who doesn't? lately, i've been feeling like a part is missing. one of these "somethings" are going unfulfilled: something to look forward to/hope for. i'm not talking vacations or trips. just daily joys, activities. i don't mean this post to be a downer or a place for me to complain but these are just some thoughts i've had and been meaning to post. (my sincerest apologies to those friends that have been my sounding board on this issue MANY a time.. you truly are diamonds in the rough. my life would not be complete without you in it) since i moved to this small west texas town of ________________, for whatever reason friendships have been harder to make/upkeep. i understand that people are busy. i am. my life is full and sometimes all the energy i have at the end of a busy day is to just sit in front of the telly. catch up on the real housewives of beverly hills. in my mind, if a friend is really worth keeping or mattered to someone, you'd try to see them more often, especially if they live in the SAME town. i know i was a spoiled in previous places i lived. my very best of friends lived right across the street from me. one moved and the other one moved into her house. lucky. in another place, even though i lived in an apartment complex isolated from my friends, i still saw jes and 2 other best friends at least once a week. i never felt lonely. i feel lonely now. a "friend" once said to me, 'oh, we'll never see each other when you move across town to a different ward (LDS/Mormon church congregations are called wards. i never understood why. "ward" always makes me think of 'a ward of the state'. moving on....). i replied,'we'll have to make more of an effort, if it really matters to us.' i've not really seen this person this month at least, outside of church, a whole lot. i understand that friendships are a 2 way street but i am feeling tired of always feeling like i'm calling people to invite them places and it's rarely reciprocated. what if they are feeling this way, you might ask? well then everyone loses, right? i don't believe that they are doing this intentionally. i believe they just are completely clueless. i had told the previously mentioned "friend" one time how i was feeling and she apologized saying she had no idea and that she gets stuck inside her world. i get that... but she does do stuff with other people. i know, because of the damn facebook. i use it to keep in touch with people from my past. it's easier than constantly shooting emails. it's all in one place. i digress. i think i am a very social person by nature. i do well in groups of 2, 4. 3 is a crowd. i'm proof of that. i am the 3rd wheel in many relationships. people may try to deny it but i'm smarter than i look. i feel more than i should. i know i am not perfect in my friendships. i'm not as giving or thoughtful as some. but i try. but in the end, i am thankful for the friends i've had for years, some since childhood. they all live far from me now but please know, you are never far from my mind or my heart. i know i could be a better friend. i will be a better friend.